“I’ll just deal with it.” Does this sound familiar?

Last week I shared a little about my postpartum mental health and said I would share more details this week, but something important happened 2 nights ago I want to share first. (I’ll still share what I planned but probably in a few more days.) This week was an important pivot in my postpartum mental health journey.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I’ve talked about my suicidal ideation a little, but never felt comfortable talking about it more openly. During one of my most vulnerable & darkest moments, some “close” to me pushed me away, instead of being supportive. They told Zach to leave me and used phrases like “mentally unstable” - people I should’ve been able to lean on weaponized my weakness against me, perpetuating the stigma of mental health and suicidal ideation.

Summer 2019 // Summer 2020

Last summer I took this little nugget on her first beach trip - she was only the size of a head of lettuce and a LOT easier to travel with. A year later, she’s not so little & a VERY opinionated travel companion 🤪

Over here feeling whiplash because this has been the fastest month yet! Ollie is always on the move now - crawling all over the place and gets mad when we don’t let her crawl to the stairs 😜. She is so close to walking and we’ll be in big trouble as soon as she figures that out!

All of the heartache

all of the testing

the waiting

the bills

the sobbing prayers

questioning God

questioning ourselves

all of it.

 To the women who:

 

🎉 Baby Ollie just turned 9 months old! We just got back from her checkup tonight & I was so eager to see how much she has grown!

A couple summers ago (this week actually!), life threw me a major curveball. It was 100% out of nowhere, completely unjust, and threw my world upside down. I felt broken, like a failure, and saw my future disappear within seconds. Zach & I were just reflecting on this experience and how applicable this prompting was to another hurdle we are facing this year.

 

Just making dinner for everyone😜

🌿 blessed 🌿

When the pandemic cancelled our dreams of a big family gathering for her baby blessing in Oregon, I felt really sad bc we couldn’t give Ollie the celebration she deserved - the big gatherings & beautiful luncheons I’d seen countless other friends host for their children. And I felt like I had done something wrong since she was already 8 months old and much older than the usual age. I wanted to do everything I could to make our small event as special and symbolic as possible. We went up Big Cottonwood Canyon to snap a few pictures to remember her blessing day by - we just took these on our phones and they turned out so much better than I expected!

I still remember praying and daydreaming about moments like these. I never thought I’d be a mom. I never thought I’d get married in the first place and then during our infertility journey, I didn’t think I’d have children at all. Then once I found out we were having a girl, I spent the last year daydreaming about our first summer together. Of course I didn’t imagine a pandemic being a central character, but we are still making the best of it - first ice cream cone, swimsuits, sunshine, chunky baby legs in little rompers.

Over here 😭😭😭 today because baby Olive is 8 big months old! Sorry if these monthly posts are annoying by now but I can’t get enough of seeing how much she changes! 

Their relationship is my favorite ❤️

To the man who has dreamed of being a dad since he was little. Who works hard and loves God. Who is kind, gentle, patient & thoughtful. Watching Zach become a father over the last 8 months has been the sweetest experience of my life. I love watching him be a dad more than I love being a mom. I will forever remember his reaction the moment Ollie was born - the look in his eyes when he said “she’s actually here” and “she’s so precious” over and over.

🎉Baby Olive hit the 7 month mark this weekend!🎉 Every month passes faster than the last and it’s hard to remember her as a tiny newborn. 

32 years old and I finally got my breakfast in bed 😭😭😭 

I can’t believe there was ever a time when I didn’t know who she was. The second picture popped up in my memories from a year ago and I was flooded with all the emotions from the day we announced our pregnancy. It was truly one of the happiest days of my life sharing this little miracle pregnancy with everyone. Ever since then, I’ve received countless messages from others who have had their own miracle babies or have found hope & healing in our story.  

🎉Happy half birthday little Olive!🎉 I cannot get over how perfect this picture is - we may never get another shot this precious! 😍 

Finally home 🏡😊

In between a pandemic, earthquake, real estate agent mistakes, postponed closings and a 5 month old...we somehow managed to buy a house & move in! We hadn’t planned to buy right now, but sometimes you get put into situations and have to roll with it. Even though the timing wasn’t ideal or our choice, we feel endlessly grateful we were able to buy a single family home in the crazy Salt Lake housing market in the exact development Zach has been dreaming about for the last couple years. And instead of being right on the street, the house faces the cutest pocket park - no need for a big front yard when we can go out there and play everyday! Now I just need Ollie to get a little bigger! 

In the midst of all the pandemic and new house craziness, baby Olive is now 5 months old! 🥳 She was a total ham when we snapped these - talking, blowing bubbles and making funny faces. I hope you laugh at them as much as I did - we could use some comedy these days! (Do you spot the one that looks like David from Schitt’s Creek?)

Ollie is still a rockstar sleeper - she seemed to skip the 4 month sleep regression completely and still sleeps 10-12 hours a night without waking. I’m guessing she is almost 16 lbs and is still in between sizes - she’s wearing a 0-3m onesie in these pictures. She’s talking more and more but it sounds like a cross between a frog, a cat and a dragon. 🤣

I started back to work full time without Ollie this week & am feeling allll the things 😭. I was so LUCKY to have a flexible leave plan so I could work at home & bring her to the office as necessary, stretching my leave longer. I was thrilled to be able to work & not leave my team in a lurch, but still get so much time with Ollie. I have the best boss on earth who allowed me to be so flexible AND loved holding Ollie when she would come with me (can I get an AMEN for men who support women like this?! 🙏🏻🙌🏻) 

🎉The smiliest girl turned 4 months old yesterday!🎉 We were so eager to see her measurements today bc it’s felt like 7 years since the last appt:

Last week on Instagram Stories I shared about my postpartum mental health and starting therapy. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for letting me be honest, your supportive DMs, for accepting my unglamorous self. Just - thank you for being my friend! I feel like I can just talk candidly like we’ve known each other for years. (Next step - you all need to meet each other!) I’ve also received a lot of negative DMs and comments recently, which tells me we still have a LONG way to go in supporting moms.

🎉Happy 3 months to baby Olive!🎉

3 months is such a milestone - the 4th trimester is over, newborn life is gone, and we’ve got a chunky baby full of personality! 

Baby girl,

(The 1 picture that made the cut for our holiday card bc Ollie wasn’t crying in it 🙃🙃🙃)

We’ve been road tripping back to Utah the last 2 days - I’m sad our holiday break is officially over but PUMPED to reset for the new year.

My favorite thing about the long drive from Oregon to Utah every January is being able to game plan the new year with Zach. Long stretches of uninterrupted time allow us to internally reflect and then talk honestly about our highs & lows of the previous year, pain points, hopes for the new year and ideas of how to make it all happen! We go over all the big areas of our life: marriage, parenting, finances/saving, spiritual, career, health and travel/fun.” - some areas have a few items, others have long lists.

We abandoned traditional “resolutions” years ago - trying to be perfect and hit some checklist everyday/week/month wasn’t working for my mental health. Instead, we choose a word or intention for the year, with most of our hopes and plans pointing us in that direction.

In 2019 the word was VIBRANT, all about movement and progression (2018 felt very beige!). While we hoped for a baby, we knew it wasn’t realistic...but then Ollie showed up and totally made 2019 a vibrant year!

In 2020 I want to focus on DISCOMFORT. That sounds bad, but I mean casting off the self-created shackles & habits that are comfy, but limit progression. Ex - lots of screen time, oversleeping, ignoring opportunities that seems scary or out of reach, not attending social functions bc of anxiety, etc. I want to be more fearless & confident this year - at work, as a wife, as a mom, online. I want to be as present as possible with Ollie, not scrolling or binging. I want to reach out to new friends, unafraid of judgement & rejection.