I Dreamed About Days Like These

June 29, 2020

I still remember praying and daydreaming about moments like these. I never thought I’d be a mom. I never thought I’d get married in the first place and then during our infertility journey, I didn’t think I’d have children at all. Then once I found out we were having a girl, I spent the last year daydreaming about our first summer together. Of course I didn’t imagine a pandemic being a central character, but we are still making the best of it - first ice cream cone, swimsuits, sunshine, chunky baby legs in little rompers.

I wish I could go back to younger Elyse and let her know everything was going to be ok. Give her a big hug. Tell her she needed to wait a few more years for this great guy to finish his mission (since he’s younger than her!) and that she’d have to wait a few extra years for her baby to come to earth. But they would both be worth the wait. That it would be better to wait a little longer for the right things than rush into less ideal situations to ease her fears of being alone.

I would tell her that God has her back, even if it didn’t feel like it. Even when it didn’t feel fair to see other people get accidentally pregnant with babies they didn’t want, while she tried to be faithful & patient. I would tell past Elyse that her grief is valid. But to not stop looking at the horizon bc the sun will rise for her again.

I lost hope a lot and almost let it get the best of me multiple times. I thought I had a future not worth living for and almost made some bad choices that would’ve guaranteed I had no future here at all. I have a lot of friends going through some heavy things right now - a lot of loneliness, grief, confusion, and pain. I love you. Your pain will not last forever. Please hold on. Please look to the horizon when you are able. There are brighter days ahead for you ❤️

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