On His First Father's Day

June 21, 2020

Their relationship is my favorite ❤️

To the man who has dreamed of being a dad since he was little. Who works hard and loves God. Who is kind, gentle, patient & thoughtful. Watching Zach become a father over the last 8 months has been the sweetest experience of my life. I love watching him be a dad more than I love being a mom. I will forever remember his reaction the moment Ollie was born - the look in his eyes when he said “she’s actually here” and “she’s so precious” over and over.

They have their own little games together and he makes her laugh way more than I ever could. He is the only person who can get Ollie to sleep - she just melts into his arms. I love watching the way he looks at her - it’s a look in his eyes I’ve never seen before.

Today has been the sweetest day celebrating this incredible man. I spent my entire life hating Father’s Day - who was I supposed to celebrate? An abusive father who died or an abusive stepfather who hated me? It was always forced and uncomfortable and full of lots of complicated emotions.

After we started trying to have a baby, Father’s Day took on a new sting. We would leave church depressed after hearing all the talks about fathers and wondering when that would happen for us. It has been the greatest blessing of my life to watch God bless us with this miracle baby and make Zach’s dreams come true.

Watching Zach as a father has healed some of the pains of my childhood. I feel joy knowing Ollie won’t have the same experience and will always feel safe & loved by Zach. The best thing I did as a mother was to choose Zach as the father of my children. He makes up for all of my shortcomings and holds our family together.

(My heart aches every Mother’s & Father’s Days because I can still feel the sting of infertility, unmet expectations, and strained/missing relationships with parents. If these days are hard for you, I hold space for you - you don’t have to celebrate them and however you feel today is 100% valid. ❤️❤️❤️)

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