In a shocker to no one, 2019 was all about baby Olive! You guys love her and I’m totally ok that she is the most popular person in our family now. I know it’s cliche, but this year has brought the biggest change and growth of my life. I mean, you only become a mother for the first time once!

We started 2019 recovering from a major car crash and finding out we couldn’t have kids “naturally” and possibly not at all. In February I found out I had miraculously gotten pregnant with Ollie and 2019 went upside down from there! Finding out I was pregnant, telling Zach, telling our friends & family, our babymoon trip, the best pregnancy experience, and finally giving birth, meeting Ollie & learning how to be a mom - I can’t imagine any year topping this one.

Thank you for coming along on this journey with us this year. From when we started sharing our infertility experience in 2018, to sharing our pregnancy news, bumpdates, Ollie’s birth...sharing highs & lows of pregnancy and new motherhood - you’ve been there the entire way! Your friendship and support and cheering us on has made all the difference in my life. Thank you for letting me share the highs & lows, the most special moments of my life with you. ❤️

If 2019 wasn’t the best for you, I hope you can take a little solace from our story and how MUCH can change in a year’s time. The first 7-8 weeks of this year were DARK for me and I didn’t imagine I’d be ringing in 2020 like this. My head is still spinning when I think about everything that’s happened this year.

Cheers to a fresh start for all of us tomorrow! May 2020 bring us all more peace, clarity and love ❤️❤️❤️

Happy 2 months to 🎼Olive the other reindeer🎼 (except she would never laugh or call Rudolph names!) Zach has been singing this pun for the last month so it’s all I hear in my head anymore #dadjokes 😜

Don’t let that frown fool you - she’s been a super smiley baby this month! She loves looking at faces, especially if you stick out your tongue...but I’ve caught her just smiling & laughing staring at nothing too 🤣

She’s still a great sleeper at night - usually 8-9 hours straight - which makes up for her resistance to naps. I think she just doesn’t want to miss any of the action during the day!

Ollie has especially loved the last week being in Oregon - her aunts & grandmas are the best at making her smile and comforting her to sleep. We can’t wait to celebrate her first Christmas in 2 days!

(PS - this onesie is from her mandrake costume and just happened to perfectly match this headband so I couldn’t help myself!)

December 1, 2007 - I was baptized 🙏🏻

I graduated! 🎉🎉🎉 (Ok, not really but I sure feel like it today!)

A little unfiltered new motherhood moment from today - I know some of you don’t care about this & that’s cool but I also know a lot of you are preparing to be moms, are currently new moms, or moms who remember these early days & have given me so much encouragement & advice over the last 9 months. This is for you (& anyone else who cares to listen today) ❤️

I snapped this grainy selfie right before I returned my hospital grade pump. My new personal pump arrived today and I can’t tell you HOW excited I am to get rid of this 20lb ball & chain. I mean, I am so grateful for it - it helped me establish & maintain a supply this month (even putting 50oz in storage!), but it has meant being chained to a wall outlet with this heavy box for 3+ hours a day. The most stressful parts of my day were trying to pump and then Ollie wakes up or cries and I have to stop or try to soothe/hold her, tethered to the wall with crap hanging off my chest.

While it has been so useful, it has also been a reminder of the early days when I was struggling so much and stressing about being a new mom. Feeling like a failure bc Ollie couldn’t latch. Knowing it was bc something was wrong with my body - add that to my list of body issues 🙄.

Exclusive pumping is HARD you guys. It’s the worst of nursing & formula feeding - double the time of nursing, not easily portable, no physical bonding, and I still have all the bottles & pump parts to clean like formula feeding.

I’ve felt shamed from both sides of feeding philosophy. People who formula feed told me to just give up. People who nurse told me to not stop trying, at any cost. Neither felt right to me.

Getting rid of this pump feels like a new chapter in this experience - getting rid of the shame about my body, stop putting pressure on me & Ollie, choosing to be ok if she never latches, leaving those bad memories in the past, etc.

To all you future & current mamas - I’m here to say however you feed (or fed) your baby is a personal choice and is totally ok! You don’t need that shame in your life! Follow your gut and do what you feel is best for you & baby ❤️

You guys - we kept a human alive for a month! 🥳🥳🥳

Happy one month to Ollie Mae!

Ok but who is this big baby and where is the little newborn I brought home last month?!? It’s amazing how much she has changed since birth. She’s more and more expressive each day and I’m starting to see her personality emerge! Ollie is already socially smiling early, which has caused a lot of laughs for Zach & I.

She’s still rocking the newborn clothes - since she had a heavier birthweight, I thought she would’ve outgrown them by now! She’s a pretty chill baby & a great sleeper, but can go from 0 to 10000000 if she’s hungry!

It’s only been a month, but it feels like she’s been in our family forever. We wanted a baby so badly for so long but didn’t realize how incomplete we truly were until she arrived.❤️

Chores have never been better with a view like this 😍

I snapped this when Ollie was 2 weeks old. I had just put her in a wrap so I could wash some bottles & pump parts before her next feeding - I expected her to fall asleep but she was wide awake and kept lifting her head up.

I looked down to see what was up and found her just staring at me, without blinking. It’s like I could see her little neurons firing connecting my face to my voice. It’s like her brain was realizing that the voice she’d heard in the womb was connected to what she was seeing in front of her. Time stood still watching her stare me as I talked to her - definitely one of those core memories I’ll carry with me forever. I’m so glad I had my phone within reach to snap this before it ended - we don’t have fancy newborn photos, but we do have this!

There is so much about newborn life & first time motherhood that is hard & scary & weird. But then it’s like heaven sends down these beautiful little moments where the chaos stops, the darkness clears, and your soul is re-energized to tackle another day. ❤️

When I snapped this today, I had no intention of sharing it. It was just for me, just to remember this season of my life - my first weeks of motherhood. I actually don’t think I’ve ever posted a picture of myself like this - no makeup, dirty hair thrown in a tangled bun, sitting in my robe, nursing bra & adult diaper. This is basically how I’ve been living & looking for the last 2.5 weeks. Very glam, don’t be jealous 😜

One of the biggest adjustments I’ve had to make in motherhood is letting go of my own plans & slowing wayyyyy down. I had a small breakdown last night because I haven’t been as productive as I wanted to be over the last 2.5 weeks. My to do list is growing, not shrinking. I’ve felt like such a failure because I expected I could get a lot more done each day at home.

Ollie wouldn’t settle down this afternoon and I was frustrated. She needed to be held in a certain position in order to fall & stay asleep. But I wanted to get things done!! As I felt her snuggle her little body against mine, I was reminded that she won’t always want to be this close. That hearing my heartbeat and cuddling won’t always soothe her. I won’t always be able to physically hold her with one arm.

Every night when she goes to sleep, I beg her to stop growing. I remember each night that she won’t be this little forever. I may never have another child so this may be the last time I have a newborn. Every milestone may be the only one I have. And for sure - they will be the only ones I have with Ollie. Her life is going to fly by.

And while I can remember that each night when she looks just a little older than the night before, I tend to forget it when the sun comes up and I feel the pull of the outside world. So today, I put my phone & computer aside, ignored the chores, sat on the couch, and let her cuddle into my body as long as she wanted. I don’t know the last day she’ll want to do this, but I know it’ll be too soon for me.

(And yes I sobbed the entire time I wrote this. #hormones 🤷🏻‍♀️)

Day 5 in the wilderness of parenthood:

I didn’t have a lot of exposure to babies & kids most of my life, so I had no idea how I would feel about a newborn or even what to do! I never swooned over other babies so I wondered if I wasn’t cut out to be a mom at all. But I have loved this newborn experience so much more than I thought. I used to be scared to hold little babies or interact with them, but Ollie seems to have unlocked something in me. Now I want to hold & care for alllllll the newborns I can find!

It hasn’t been blissfully perfect - we’ve had a few challenges. We aren’t able to nurse right now, so I am working my butt off pumping as much as I can to feed Ollie & establish my supply in these critical early days. I feel like I’m tied to this hospital grade pump most of the day and my schedule revolves around pumping, cleaning parts, feeding, and starting over! We are hoping as she gets older we will be able to nurse more successfully - I still try at every feeding though just in case she surprises me!

Ollie has had an eventful life in her 5 days - tagging along on some errands, watching the Oregon football game with Zach & her first pediatrician visit. She’s lost a little weight (nothing to worry about), so her cheeks are a little less chubby now. I think she looks like a totally different baby!

I know she’s only 5 days old, but I swear she looks so much older. I already miss that sweet fresh baby they put on my chest last week. I feel like the first days in the hospital flew by and I didn’t soak up the experience as much as I should’ve. I get so emotional & sentimental about her getting older and I would love for her to stay this little forever.

I say it a lot, but I just can’t believe she’s here. She’s real. She’s ours. It feels too good to be true. We are so thankful for her miraculous appearance in our lives and love having a new team member in our family. ❤️

It’s amazing how much can change in a year.

The photo on the left popped up in my phone memories today. A year ago, I was running around a pumpkin patch in Tennessee with Zach. We’d been trying for a baby for a long time and had no idea what was wrong. I was in denial we had infertility. I remember ovulating on the trip and thinking this would be THE TIME. I was 100000% convinced I was pregnant in this picture on the left. “Maybe this is why we haven’t had a baby yet - we had to have a cool story like coming to Tennessee” I thought.

This might be the most scared & nervous I’ve ever felt in my life. About 2 months ago it hit me that I’ll actually have to go through labor and give birth - something I’ve researched & read about in the abstract, but this week I’ll actually have to do it! It’s not like almost anything else where you can practice & prepare before the real thing. I have no idea how labor will feel, if my pelvis will be big enough, if there will be complications, all of it! And I have to do it THIS WEEK!

Is it possible to feel excitement & grief about the same thing at the same time? My heart can’t make up its mind. I want to meet this baby more than anything, but I find myself SO emotional about not being pregnant anymore.

☀️ Annnnnnd that’s a wrap on my summer! I do marketing & development for a music venue, which basically just means my spring & summer is crazy busy promoting & attending concerts. And tonight is our very last concert of the season!

Dear baby girl 💕

You have made this my favorite summer of my life. Which is a tall order because summer has always been my favorite season - I could live in the sunshine at the beach everyday of my life. But this summer? I got to bring you along for the 1st time on all these adventures! I got to bring you to the beach for the 1st time (and daydreamed about coming back to play with you in the sand FOR REAL next year, hoping you love it as much as I do).

A lil baby update at 33 weeks (since it’s been over a month since the last one!):

Your best life lies just outside your comfort zone.✨

Please enjoy this grainy photo from my old phone 4 years ago - 4 years ago today I packed as much as I could fit in my little car, mom included, and moved to Utah. When we took this selfie, I had no idea what was waiting for me here.

A lil bumpdate coming up to 27 weeks:

I literally ::couldn’t:: imagine a time like this.

I spent most of my 20s unable to see a future worth sticking around for. I felt like the universe was kicking me over and over again - lots of major obstacles & disappointments. I felt directionless, hopeless & trapped. I thought about suicide often and when I felt “better,” I still felt like I was building a coffin around myself, getting deeper in the quicksand, and I’d never get out of my situation as long as I lived.

🤰🏻23 weeks/5 months now and finally taking a bump picture. Even now, it took Zach days of coaxing and lots of anxiety to snap it and now post it.

It’s weird to feel self conscious about my body right now because it is currently doing the unthinkable & creating a baby against the odds. I should feel on cloud 9 everyday and never have a negative emotion, right?🤷🏻‍♀️

We’re having a .... 💙💕😍

✨Dear Baby Jones,
Telling your dad that you existed has been one of the best days of my life. He has wanted you & dreamt of being your dad since he was a kid. I want you to know how lucky & blessed you are to have him as your father. He is kind, patient, forgiving and protective. You are literally his dream come true and I hope you know how deeply he loved you from the first moment.✨

✨Dear Baby Jones,
It’s been exactly 3 months since I found out about you and holy cow have you been the biggest shock of my life! I’m so glad I decided to take a little video that night so you can know how much you were wanted and truly loved from the first moment I knew you existed.✨

A little thought from Instagram tonight:
🌸We don’t all bloom at the same time.🌸

Have you ever felt light years behind everyone else? Look around and see all the weddings, babies, new houses, graduations, job promotions....feeling so far behind, wondering what’s wrong with you or when it’ll be your time?? I feel this constantly.

The doctors said it wasn’t possible.
And God said “I have a plan.”

Swimsuit season is coming up (I can’t wait!) so here’s a friendly reminder:

NOTHING about your body needs to change to get in a swimsuit. ZERO. 💁🏻‍♀️ You don’t need anyone else’s permission to be “beachbody ready” - your body is already beach ready! You don’t need to look a certain way to soak up the sun, jump in the pool or feel the sand between your toes.

A little note from Instagram tonight:

Until recently, I had NO idea how many things could go wrong and how many things have to go right in order to conceive.

We* had to teach Sunday School today and MAN it hit close to home for me. A lot about Elizabeth & Zacharias, who were unable to have children for most of their life. I had to process a lot of emotions about our current infertility experience. I’m scared we will never have children at all, as our flickers of hope get snuffed out one by one with every new test result. Also, can we talk about how close the names Elizabeth & Zacharias are to Elyse & Zach?!

Hey Kids!

It’s your dad. Well at least I will be. Your mom and I are very excited to meet you and we hope you hurry up! Three times already, we thought one of you was coming, but you must’ve got cold feet, or you saw my embarrassing car with the duct taped mirror and changed your mind, but whatever, it’s cool. I’m sure eventually we’ll convince you to come. I mean, we are pretty awesome! Anyway... before you get here, there are a few things that I need you to know and so I’m going to write letters to you, before you’re born and after you’re born so that you can always remember the important stuff. So...

First: We’ve already been to the happiest place on earth (Disneyland) twice without you and you’re just going to have to get over that. #sorrynotsorry