"I'll Just Deal With It" // Postpartum Mental Health

September 18, 2020


“I’ll just deal with it.” Does this sound familiar?

Last week I shared a little about my postpartum mental health and said I would share more details this week, but something important happened 2 nights ago I want to share first. (I’ll still share what I planned but probably in a few more days.) This week was an important pivot in my postpartum mental health journey.

“I’ll deal with it” has been my postpartum mantra. For the last almost 11 months, I’ve put off going to therapy or getting medication. It was too overwhelming to try to do - it was ONE MORE THING on my endless list. The thought of doing the research and reaching out for help was too much for me. I was ashamed to admit I needed help. And frankly, I didn’t care enough about myself to do it.

I had a brief 3 session therapy stint back in February, only bc my sweet husband mentioned it to my bishop and they set it up for me. Annnnd then we moved out of the stake during quarantine...didn’t know our new bishop....and I didn’t have the energy or courage or self esteem or whatever to look into again.

I was “dealing with it.”

Until I wasn’t.

My suicidal thoughts have become so frequent and intrusive. I’ve been in a constant state of depression and anxiety for months and felt mentally suffocated. I was making plans in my head for the optimal time of year to take my life, so I didn’t put a damper on anyone’s birthday or holiday. And I thought it was a totally rational line of thinking.

That isn’t dealing with it.

Late Wednesday night, I found a therapist online and actually filled out the contact form. That was my pivot moment. Without anyone asking me to, I reached out for help ON MY OWN. In all my years in therapy off & on, I’ve never reached out for help on my own.

After some back and forth (another story for another post), I have my 1st appointment in a couple weeks. I don’t instantly feel happier, but I don’t feel like I’m drowning alone now.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore and I don’t want to think dying is my only option.

I don’t want to just “deal with it.”

I want to be the best mother for Ollie and just need some help to let my true self shine through again. There’s no shame in that.✨

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