I graduated! 🎉🎉🎉 (Ok, not really but I sure feel like it today!)

A little unfiltered new motherhood moment from today - I know some of you don’t care about this & that’s cool but I also know a lot of you are preparing to be moms, are currently new moms, or moms who remember these early days & have given me so much encouragement & advice over the last 9 months. This is for you (& anyone else who cares to listen today) ❤️

I snapped this grainy selfie right before I returned my hospital grade pump. My new personal pump arrived today and I can’t tell you HOW excited I am to get rid of this 20lb ball & chain. I mean, I am so grateful for it - it helped me establish & maintain a supply this month (even putting 50oz in storage!), but it has meant being chained to a wall outlet with this heavy box for 3+ hours a day. The most stressful parts of my day were trying to pump and then Ollie wakes up or cries and I have to stop or try to soothe/hold her, tethered to the wall with crap hanging off my chest.

While it has been so useful, it has also been a reminder of the early days when I was struggling so much and stressing about being a new mom. Feeling like a failure bc Ollie couldn’t latch. Knowing it was bc something was wrong with my body - add that to my list of body issues 🙄.

Exclusive pumping is HARD you guys. It’s the worst of nursing & formula feeding - double the time of nursing, not easily portable, no physical bonding, and I still have all the bottles & pump parts to clean like formula feeding.

I’ve felt shamed from both sides of feeding philosophy. People who formula feed told me to just give up. People who nurse told me to not stop trying, at any cost. Neither felt right to me.

Getting rid of this pump feels like a new chapter in this experience - getting rid of the shame about my body, stop putting pressure on me & Ollie, choosing to be ok if she never latches, leaving those bad memories in the past, etc.

To all you future & current mamas - I’m here to say however you feed (or fed) your baby is a personal choice and is totally ok! You don’t need that shame in your life! Follow your gut and do what you feel is best for you & baby ❤️

You guys - we kept a human alive for a month! 🥳🥳🥳

Happy one month to Ollie Mae!

Ok but who is this big baby and where is the little newborn I brought home last month?!? It’s amazing how much she has changed since birth. She’s more and more expressive each day and I’m starting to see her personality emerge! Ollie is already socially smiling early, which has caused a lot of laughs for Zach & I.

She’s still rocking the newborn clothes - since she had a heavier birthweight, I thought she would’ve outgrown them by now! She’s a pretty chill baby & a great sleeper, but can go from 0 to 10000000 if she’s hungry!

It’s only been a month, but it feels like she’s been in our family forever. We wanted a baby so badly for so long but didn’t realize how incomplete we truly were until she arrived.❤️

Chores have never been better with a view like this 😍

I snapped this when Ollie was 2 weeks old. I had just put her in a wrap so I could wash some bottles & pump parts before her next feeding - I expected her to fall asleep but she was wide awake and kept lifting her head up.

I looked down to see what was up and found her just staring at me, without blinking. It’s like I could see her little neurons firing connecting my face to my voice. It’s like her brain was realizing that the voice she’d heard in the womb was connected to what she was seeing in front of her. Time stood still watching her stare me as I talked to her - definitely one of those core memories I’ll carry with me forever. I’m so glad I had my phone within reach to snap this before it ended - we don’t have fancy newborn photos, but we do have this!

There is so much about newborn life & first time motherhood that is hard & scary & weird. But then it’s like heaven sends down these beautiful little moments where the chaos stops, the darkness clears, and your soul is re-energized to tackle another day. ❤️

When I snapped this today, I had no intention of sharing it. It was just for me, just to remember this season of my life - my first weeks of motherhood. I actually don’t think I’ve ever posted a picture of myself like this - no makeup, dirty hair thrown in a tangled bun, sitting in my robe, nursing bra & adult diaper. This is basically how I’ve been living & looking for the last 2.5 weeks. Very glam, don’t be jealous 😜

One of the biggest adjustments I’ve had to make in motherhood is letting go of my own plans & slowing wayyyyy down. I had a small breakdown last night because I haven’t been as productive as I wanted to be over the last 2.5 weeks. My to do list is growing, not shrinking. I’ve felt like such a failure because I expected I could get a lot more done each day at home.

Ollie wouldn’t settle down this afternoon and I was frustrated. She needed to be held in a certain position in order to fall & stay asleep. But I wanted to get things done!! As I felt her snuggle her little body against mine, I was reminded that she won’t always want to be this close. That hearing my heartbeat and cuddling won’t always soothe her. I won’t always be able to physically hold her with one arm.

Every night when she goes to sleep, I beg her to stop growing. I remember each night that she won’t be this little forever. I may never have another child so this may be the last time I have a newborn. Every milestone may be the only one I have. And for sure - they will be the only ones I have with Ollie. Her life is going to fly by.

And while I can remember that each night when she looks just a little older than the night before, I tend to forget it when the sun comes up and I feel the pull of the outside world. So today, I put my phone & computer aside, ignored the chores, sat on the couch, and let her cuddle into my body as long as she wanted. I don’t know the last day she’ll want to do this, but I know it’ll be too soon for me.

(And yes I sobbed the entire time I wrote this. #hormones 🤷🏻‍♀️)